It’s easy to think that God has forgotten about you during the tough times in your life—the times when you’re faced with obstacles, difficult and unanswered questions, and especially when you have to deal with loss. The grieving process is never easy and there’s no right or wrong way to handle it. But one thing is for sure for a lot of people—it’s often a little bit easier when you have the support of family, friends, and loved ones.

A few years back, I was devastated when I found out that as my favorite uncle was out for a leisurely afternoon walk, a drunk driver ran a red light and killed him as he crossed the street. It was a senseless act of stupidity and illegality that instantly ended the life of a beloved man.

Although my family is small, we are close-knit and were all there to support each other and grieve with one another. I was also fortunate to be surrounded by many friends during that difficult time. My best friend was also my girlfriend (now wife). We had been dating for about eight months when my uncle was killed. Our relationship was somewhat long distance, living in two different states about an hour and a half apart without traffic. She dropped everything to be there for me and my family throughout the entire experience. At that point in our relationship, I had already known in my heart that she was going to be my forever, but that feeling was further solidified as she helped me through the grieving and healing processes. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her.

When my uncle died, I hadn’t yet come out to many people. On top of dealing with the loss of my uncle, I was overwhelmed with worry and fear that my family and friends might find out my secret and that I’d be forced to come out—or even worse be outed—at the worst possible time. Always understanding, my girlfriend assured me that everything was going to be okay and that I was probably overthinking things. Many of my friends and relatives had never met my girlfriend before and we decided it best that I not go out of my way to introduce her to every person who came to pay their respects. To those I did introduce her to, I made sure they knew she was my best friend and was only staying with me because the trip home would be much too long for her to keep making. We played off the “friend” thing pretty well and I don’t think we raised any suspicions.

I couldn’t help being fixated on the possibility of people finding out about something I had kept so personal and private for so long. It was almost like I became paranoid with fear and I thought every whisper was someone talking about me or making assumptions about my sexuality even though we hadn’t given anyone a reason to. It wasn’t like we were holding hands or hugging during the viewing services. And even if we were, that wouldn’t be totally out of the ordinary. It’s very common, practically expected, that people embrace and hold onto each other during such an emotional time. You don’t have to be related, dating, or married to someone to rub their back, hold their hand, or offer them a comforting hug, especially during funeral services.

There I was selfishly allowing my own insecurities to affect me during one of the most difficult times of my life. I had this unbelievably kind, caring, and selfless individual—my wonderful wife—there by my side to comfort and support me and I felt the need to keep that a secret. I know that a wake or a funeral would not be the best time or place to come out to your family and that was exactly what I was trying to avoid. However, I felt bad about the situation then and still feel bad about today. Putting myself in her shoes, it must have been hard for my wife to figure out her place during that time. She was a constant source of comfort, always close by, there to offer me a reassuring glance, soothing touch of the arm, or quick smile when she knew I needed it. She made small talk with people she knew and stood to the side when I was otherwise engulfed in conversations with family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues that she didn’t know. She remained strong, composed, and naturally calm, while inside I was in a frenzy, on a roller coaster ride of emotions.