Marriage of a Thousand Lies
When I was in my teens and early twenties, I had a close group of friends that I hung out with practically every weekend. While some of us were involved in relationships, others enjoyed playing the field and dating new people here and there. However, one of our friends didn't do any of these things. From the time Fred had been introduced into our group, he fit right in with the rest of us. He was easy to get along with, had a good sense of humor, was polite, kind, and intelligent. Fred was a couple of years older than me, but I connected with him instantly. We especially enjoyed talking about our shared interest in music and sports. He was definitely an interesting guy and I was honestly surprised that he didn’t have a girlfriend. He seemed like such a good catch.
One day when we were all hanging out, the subject of relationships and marriage came up and all eyes were on Fred. He was very forthcoming and honest and shared with us how he had absolutely no desire to meet someone, date, or get involved in a relationship. He told us that it had been explained to him since the time he was a little boy that his future wife would be chosen for him. He was to have an arranged marriage. Fred’s parents were very religious and much of their lifestyle consisted of carrying on generational beliefs and customs. It was essential to them that both of their sons maintained the cultural traditions as well. In fact, it was insisted upon and Fred not only understood that, but completely accepted it. He candidly admitted that he didn’t like the idea and didn’t agree with his parents’ old-school perspective, but he was a good son who honored and respected his parents and didn’t see any use in fighting the inevitable.
Fred considered dating a waste of time. He figured there was no point in getting involved with someone that he would never be able to marry. He knew that if he were to meet a girl who really liked him, it wouldn’t be fair to string her along and not be able to promise her a future. He didn’t want to hurt anyone and didn’t want to get hurt himself, potentially meeting someone he really cared for and realistically couldn’t be with long-term. No matter how he looked at it, the situation seemed like a losing one so he spared himself the heartbreak and found contentment in everything else guys his age enjoyed, just not dating.
I honestly felt kind of bad for Fred. He explained that he thought his parents’ idea of an arranged marriage was antiquated, but he wouldn’t think twice about disappointing them or risk being ostracized by his family. He felt he had a lot more to lose than gain by going against their wishes, so he went through the motions that his parents expected him to. When he turned twenty-one years old, the excitement of his momentous birthday wore off quickly when his parents started to talk more frequently about preparing for an arrangement. He joked that his parents were already making plans for the biggest business deal of their lives by relentlessly seeking a wife for him. At least he maintained his sense of humor, though he confided in all of us that he wasn’t looking forward to the process or the actual marriage. The light at the end of the arranged tunnel for Fred was that his parents promised him that if he absolutely did not approve of the woman they selected, he could tell them the truth and they would continue their search. He also confided in us that even though they assured him of this, he knew he couldn’t be too selective and didn’t want to risk losing a potential wife whom he thought would be “good enough.”
Once Fred’s mate was chosen, he thoroughly explained the engagement process to us. He described the two or three “dates” he went on with his fiance and their chaperones as nothing short of “uncomfortable and awkward." He enlightened us about parent meetings, gifts, and how traditional jewelry, attire, and gatherings would be incorporated into the proceedings. Fred was glad to answer any questions we had and I honestly learned a lot about his culture and religion. Although everything seemed so different from what I was accustomed to, I respected and appreciated my new-found knowledge about Fred’s family and heritage.
Fred’s was the only wedding of an arranged marriage I ever attended. It took place not long after his parents’ initial search for his wife began. Once the ball was rolling, there was no slowing it down. On the day of his wedding, Fred and his new wife played their parts well. They had only met a few times before that day and hardly knew each other. For whatever reasons unbeknownst to them, their parents had agreed that the two would make a suitable couple. So there they stood, introduced for the first time as husband and wife in an enormous ballroom, he with an unconvincing smile on his face, she with a stoic expression and lips in the shape of a frown.
When Fred had time to chat with the one table of friends he was allowed to invite to his own wedding, he informed us that he probably only knew ten percent of the people at his 400 person reception. The parents of the bride and groom sent out most of the invitations and Fred said even they didn’t know all of the guests. He explained to us that it was customary to invite members of his community as a sign of respect. At one point, he excitedly directed our attention to two men exchanging business cards on the side of the dance floor. He informed us that the two men were fathers who were both looking for spouses for their own children and shared that this was actually a very common practice at weddings in his culture. He said it was a great place for parents to meet other parents who have the same customs and beliefs they do. Fred joked that a wedding reception was better than both a golf course and a boardroom to talk business and get a deal made.
Before Fred joined his new bride in circulating the room to make small talk with all of the guests, one of our friends asked him if he was looking forward to his big night. Not having dated at all in the past, we assumed his wedding night would be full of new adventures. Fred leaned in and said, “I’m all set—that was what Tijuana was for." Now that was a part of his bachelor party I hadn’t previously heard about and I’m guessing it definitely wasn’t part of his cultural traditions!
As a married man, we saw less and less of Fred. He and his wife eventually moved to a neighboring state and had a child. A few years later, our group of friends reunited for another friend’s wedding, so we had time to catch up. Fred seemed happy and said things were going well for them, which made me happy for him. He said he basically felt like he got lucky because his wife was nice and they got along well, and while he couldn’t exactly say he was in love with her, his parents were right and he did “learn to love her." He then lightened the mood and informed us that he had recently attended the wedding of the son and daughter of the two men who exchanged business cards at his wedding. He laughed and said, “They didn’t know anybody at their wedding either—including each other.”
I don’t have any issue with arranged marriages if it’s what all parties involved actually want. I respect other people’s religious views, traditional practices, and beliefs. We’re all unique and should appreciate what makes other people different from us. But I know not everyone feels that way. I realize that there are people in this world who want nothing more than to force their opinion on others and make others feel wrong or bad for what they do, say, or believe. I’m just not really sure why people think it’s their business who someone else marries. A marriage is a commitment between two people and it shouldn’t matter what gender, race, or religion they are. It shouldn’t make a difference how they met, how long they were engaged, or what agreements they might have made.
The only people’s opinions I think really matter in a marriage are the ones actually getting wed. We should all be free to choose to love who we love and marry who we want to marry. It’s hard to believe that even after same-sex marriage became legal in the United States in 2015, that there are still so many people opposed to it. The law doesn’t say that everyone has to get married to a partner of the same sex, but that it is legal for those of us who want to do so. If something doesn’t affect others personally, why are people so opposed to it? I’ve heard similar things about arranged marriages. Some people are so against arranged marriages, but yet they’re not even part of a religion or culture that promotes these types of marriages. I just don’t feel the need to hate something just because it might be different from what I know and practice. Just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
In SJ Sindu’s book, Marriage of a Thousand Lies, Lucky and Kris were both gay and decided to get married as a cover-up and to prevent Lucky from having to take part in an arranged marriage, as was customary in her religion and culture. Marrying a gay man made more sense for Lucky than an arranged marriage to a man she didn’t even know. Even though the foundation of her marriage was built on lies, at least she was able to still date women and didn’t have to be stifled by traditional practices she didn’t believe in. Most parents—if not all of them—just want their children to be happy. Gay, straight, arranged, interracial, interreligious—what’s the difference? Shouldn’t all parents let their children be who they are, date who they want to date, and choose who they want to marry so they can enjoy the beauty of falling in love rather than learning to love someone?