Dear Mara,

You know how Oprah has her FAVORITE THINGS? I get that. Whether it’s a smooth pen or creamy lip balm—when I find something that brings me joy, I want to share it with those I love.

Marrying Joe was my ultimate “Favorite Thing.” It was like the sleepover that never ended. Having someone to plan every adventure with, a sounding board for every difficult decision...He just makes everything more FUN. Naturally, once I settled into married life, I wanted you to know the bliss of syncing up with your forever person. And...as your old married-lady-friend, I wanted to hear about ALL the frogs you’d kiss before finding your prince. I wanted JUICE. On Sex in the City (which was crazy popular at this time), girlfriends shared outlandish stories of their adult dating lives. You never had stories to share with me. And everytime I asked, you seemed uncomfortable. I found that odd.

No offense—but there are tons of odd things about you—the chicken rule, the eyes closed theory...gosh, I didn’t even know about the dinosaurs yet! But this is exactly why people love you.

This secrecy, though, felt a bit more personal. I felt more and more shut out as time went on.

When Jacob was a baby, it was very obvious you didn’t want me to know where you and Karen were going. At first, my egotistical self just assumed you view me as an old lady now that I’m a mom. I’m no longer cool enough to get invited to join in your escapades. I tried to make it clear to you, “Hey, I need to get out sometimes!” But it was clear you didn’t want me to know about your social life. P.S. - A little jealous you let Karen in and not me!

Still, I really didn’t get WHY.

By the time I was ready for baby #2, I had accepted your wall and your need for privacy.

I had complained to my husband many times about it over the years saying, “I don’t get it,” or “She won’t let me in.” I had never known any friend to be so private. But this is the same person who could talk to me for 4 hours at a time. No topic was off limits. We went from baring our souls to a complete shut-out. It baffled me.

I eventually came up with the theory you might be gay. I remember Joe saying, “Maybe she just doesn’t want you to know.” Again, my ego kicked in—ME?!?! Why would anyone be afraid to tell me that? I told you some of my most intimate secrets! I’d think you could tell me anything.

Around the same time period, my sister was dating someone who just had a baby. I was so hurt that she didn’t tell me this (I learned of it on Facebook). I thought we were close. Or at least I always wanted to be close. But keeping secrets—especially big life secrets—meant we weren’t as close as I thought. That truth hurt.

When I asked her why she didn’t share this with me, she said, “You’re judgmental.”

Am I?!?! I reflected on this for years. Is that why I don’t have the kind of relationships with my siblings like I always thought I would?

Is that why Mara doesn’t want to share her personal life with me? I have opinions about everything—who doesn’t? But I didn’t want to be judgmental. I especially didn’t want to push away people I love and care about.

Ironically, I went to you for advice on this matter and you were so helpful. Now that we are all adults I had to shift my big sister role and JUST LISTEN. I have tried to be a better listener and I believe it has led to a better relationship with my sister. I try to withhold the advice until I’m asked (Although this is hard. Going back to the Oprah thing, if I know something really helped me, I want to share what I’ve learned to help others. But people need their own journey—their own trial-and-error experiences.)

Anyway...at this stage of my life I now had two little kids, a full time job, a new house...life was busy. And I put most of my focus on my family and home.

Meanwhile, you were probably going through your own break-ups and heartache and I wasn’t someone you felt you could confide in. I would have listened. I would have supported you. But you were doing your thing and I was doing mine.

Know though—not for a minute did I ever stop loving you. I always wished you the best and wanted every happiness for you.

Even looking back to your last boyfriend—you never actually told me why you and Gary broke up! This closed-offness just led to us having very separate lives.

I was pretty confident that I was a good friend. I strived to be that and a good sister, a good wife, a good mother, a good teacher. (Trying to do all those things well is a struggle—so you have to prioritize.)

Perhaps to make myself feel better, I came up with a theory you were probably gay and having your own internal struggle. You’re one of the most religious people I know, so perhaps there was a moral conflict of some sort. You were also extremely loyal to your parents—so you’d probably just have to figure it out for yourself—get to the point of sharing your life with your parents and when you were ready to tell me, you would.

When you F-I-N-A-L-L-Y told me, it was like tearing down this huge wall and you were finally giving me access to you (which was all I ever wanted in the first place).

But the truth hurt. You didn’t feel you could trust me. Ouch.

But you quoted my words…”I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but…” I don’t remember what I said, but I fully believe you that I had said it at some point in our friendship when I told you something I probably shouldn’t have. And if I breached someone else’s trust, how could you know I wouldn’t breach yours?

That was a big life lesson. I left that Mexican restaurant determined to be a better person. If someone says, “Please don’t repeat this,” I don’t. I want to be the kind of friend/colleague you could trust. And I believe I am. So, thank you for that life lesson.

I found a silver lining here—You spared me.

I’m not a liar. I’m not good at it. It makes me crazy uncomfortable. I just don’t lie. You didn’t put me in a situation where I had to lie for you. I would have tried. Perhaps if one of our mutual friends asked me about you—which they do every time I see them—I would have had to lie. Most probably, me being me, they’d take one look at my face and know I was lying. Then they’d think of me as a liar and there’d be a lack of trust in our friendship. But none of that ever happened. It was easy for me to say, “I have no idea. Haven’t heard from her in forever.” So in that sense, you spared me.

I love that you found your forever person. And I love Lynn for so many reasons—maybe that should be my next letter!

It makes me so happy to watch you build your home, fill it with love and laughter and song, to have someone to plan adventures with—the never-ending slumber party. Someone who is able to love your parents the way you do. Someone who accepts and adopts your faith, your name, and loves you all the more for all your peculiar Mara-isms. Lynn is your perfect someone. I am so glad to know her, and I’m so glad to know you together.

It would be easy for me to say, “You should have let me in all along. I would have loved and encouraged you every step of the way.” But it wasn’t my journey; it was yours. You had to unfold on your own timeline and I understand.

So glad the wall is down though! I love being in your life.

XOXOXO

Julie