James,

I was the captain of the baseball team and one of the most popular guys in high school. I was the jock that used to pick on the gay kids or the guys we assumed were gay just because they weren’t as tough as me and my bonehead friends. We even stuffed a couple of guys in lockers and laughed when we made them cry. I had no idea that one day a bunch of dumb jocks would do the same thing to my kid brother.

Until I was sixteen, I had to share a bedroom with you. I hated it. My half of the room was filled with sports trophies and awards. Yours was filled with books and had science fair ribbons and pictures that you drew or painted all over the walls. I was embarrassed and called you a “nerd” and I even accused you of making our room seem “girly.” I was afraid my friends would make fun of me and not want to hang out with me because of you.

I’ve been asking myself how I could have shared a room with someone for twelve years and not know him at all, but I finally figured out the answer. I was too self-centered and craved all the attention. I realize now that it was because I was insecure and liked being the superstar of the family. I liked being in the spotlight and didn’t care that you were always in my shadow.

I never bothered to think about anybody but myself. I never got to really know you or appreciate you. I never realized what a great artist you were or how much people respected your talent and your intelligence. I never got the chance to apologize for being such a jerk.

I’d do anything to have the chance to share a room with you again. I’d do things totally differently this time around. I’d be the big brother you deserved. I’d listen to you and give you advice, not pick on you or make fun of you for being quiet and shy. I’d let you hang around with me and my friends as much as you wanted. And I would make sure no one ever bothered you for being gay. I’d be your best friend and the best man at your wedding if you’d let me. I’d tell you that I love you and make sure you knew how important your life is and how much you mean to me.

The real hero in our family is you. It always has been. I just wish you were still here so I could tell you that and show you how proud I am to be your big brother. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I guess I’m not as strong or brave as everyone thinks I am. I’m just an apologetic fool who didn’t see how unhappy and hurt his little brother was until it was too late.