Dear Ex-GF,

It’s been quite a few years since I last saw you. The last memory I have of you is when you got mad at me for simply saying that I also like softball after you told me that you were joining a team and asked one of your friends to join with you. You thought of asking her, a person who was not the least bit interested in sports, instead of me, your girlfriend who actually enjoys sports. You got so upset with me just for saying that I like to play the game. Obviously, there was a lot more going on than the fact that I made that comment. You basically exploded at me. I understand now, in retrospect, that you probably didn’t mean for things to happen the way they did. I suppose you had a lot of emotions built up inside of you and decided that was the perfect moment to let them all out of your system and you didn’t care how it affected me. That was your opportunity to break up with me and never look back.

Not that you ever asked me to, but I want you to know that I forgive you. Before storming off to work immediately following your explosive outburst, you wouldn’t even talk to me. You had yelled at me, embarrassed me in front of your roommate, and made me feel completely worthless. You wouldn’t even look at me. I was crying and apologizing and I wasn’t even sure what I did wrong and all you did was continue to yell at me and push me away. I guess I was really sorry for the way you made me feel because I had become so used to thinking everything was always my fault. It wasn’t. I even felt like the break-up was my fault, but it wasn’t. People shouldn’t stay together if they know they’re not meant to be together, but there’s a nicer way to end a relationship and I wish you would have done it differently. With that being said, I’m glad you were the one to break up with me and hurt me because I honestly would never want to make someone feel the way you made me feel. It felt like my world was falling apart and you couldn’t care less.

After years of telling me you loved me, it was so easy for you to just let me go and completely remove me from your life. I know you made new friends, started dating right away, and moved on without thinking twice about me. Meanwhile, I sat home, depressed, isolated, scared, and feeling so much pain and sadness that it affected me in all areas of my life—socially, professionally, and even in the way I interacted, or shall I say pulled away from, my family. I had no self-confidence and became disinterested in the world around me. I was confused because I felt like if you were a person who supposedly loved me so much and you could hurt me so easily, then others could, too. I experienced a roller coaster of emotions when you ended our relationship. You didn’t even have the courtesy to acknowledge me anymore—someone you had spent years with.

Sadness and hurt eventually led to anger and resentment. I honestly had thought you were a coward because you never faced me and never cared enough to even speak with me so I could at least get the closure most people need and want when someone breaks their heart. You didn’t think I was even worth a conversation. You’d ignore my phone calls and make me feel worse. The few times you responded to a text message from me, it was just a one or two word reply. You were quick to move on and leave me as nothing more than a memory and that made me feel awful.

I never understood how people could love someone who hurt them or hurt someone they love. The truth is that I did love you and I guess that’s why it hurt even more. Don’t get me wrong—during our relationship, I knew that we weren’t meant to be together. You were my first girlfriend—and also my second—and you represented a lot of different things to me. I came out to some of my family members and friends while with you. I had a lot of new experiences with you and we shared some wonderful times together—traveling, trying new things, adventures—and I’m grateful for all of them. It was hard to let go of you because being in a relationship with you was comfortable for me and it was all I had known about being gay. I was afraid to experience life without you and try to move on, even though I knew it was what was best for me and what I had to do.

I forgive you for not staying in touch with me or checking on me. You were busy with your new life and I understand that, but I don’t think I deserved to be treated like I didn’t even matter. I think that if we had just built a friendship when we first met, rather than a relationship, we’d still be great friends today. I’m sorry that we weren’t able to do that, but I’m not sorry that we were together for so many years. Our relationship taught me a lot about what I want and what I don’t want, who I am and who I want to be, what I deserve and what I don’t deserve, and I am sure it did the same for you. In many ways, I grew up a lot because of our relationship, but even more so because of our break-up.

So I guess I also have you to thank for some things as well. Thank you for releasing me, even though it was difficult for me, so that I could become stronger and more independent. Thank you for giving me the freedom to find that special person who was out there waiting for me and giving me time to become my best self so that I could give her the best of me and all that she deserves. Thank you for the times we shared and the happy memories we did make—our trip to the Bahamas and Ireland, birthday celebrations, quality time with our dogs, poker nights with your family, vacations and outings with my mom…

We shared so many great times together and I simply don’t understand why we would completely distance ourselves from each other just because we broke up. You are the only other person in this world who experienced some of the exact same things as me and I think it’s bizarre and sad that we hardly communicate with one another and can’t even talk about or reminisce about those times together. Breaking up with someone doesn’t mean you have to cut them off completely.

Over the years, you and I have kept in contact here and there. We usually text each other on birthdays—though the last few years, I haven’t heard from you on mine. We occasionally check in to see how the other’s family is doing. We both got married and purchased houses and took big steps in our separate lives. I’d be lying if I said that I’m glad we never remained friends. I’m not exactly sure why we didn’t. We’re both good people who just didn’t work out in a relationship. I have no regrets, no grudge I’m holding onto, and no ill-will toward you. I wish only the best for you. It’s been so many years since we broke up, and I’ve come a long way in my feelings about what happened. I let go of any negativity that I held long ago. You were such a huge part of my life for so many years that it seems strange, and even sad, that we didn’t remain friends. I guess that would have been the only thing I would have changed for us. I see other people who have wonderful friendships with people they used to date and I’ve always questioned why I was never even worth that to you. I’ve tried to extend the olive branch and offer my friendship at different times, and you often appease me, but nothing ever comes to fruition.  You always say that you’d like to be friends and maybe we could get together, but when I tell you to let me know when you’d like to, you never follow through. We both have busy lives, other friends and responsibilities, but it’s truly sad that, in all this time, you’ve never had any time, or desire, to rebuild our friendship. I’ve wondered what it is that you’re trying to prove by keeping so distant or why you might think I’m unworthy of your friendship, but these are questions only you have answers to. I’ve thought that maybe you’re embarrassed about how things happened or simply not proud of yourself for how you acted, but who knows if that’s true. Maybe you just don’t care and never did—at least that’s how it comes off to me.

I was never angry or upset with you for breaking up with me. I was angry and upset about the way you did it. After all the love I had shown you, you showed me that I wasn’t important, wasn’t worth your time, and that I just didn’t matter. That was a side of you I honestly didn’t want to know and I was glad I wasn’t in a relationship with someone like that anymore. I know that you were always a good person, and in my opinion, you made a mistake—not in breaking up with me, but in the way you handled it. I know you didn’t care about how you came off or how people would have perceived you for doing things the way you did, but I cared. I even defended you when people would talk down about the way you had acted and treated me. In a way, I was protecting myself because I didn’t want anyone to think I would have ever dated or loved someone who came off so heartless, unkind, self-absorbed, and cowardly. So when people would say those things about you, I stuck up for you. I realize that you didn’t mean to actually hurt me, but that you didn’t know what else to do and maybe you couldn’t even figure out how to deal with the situation more maturely and in a more considerate way. For whatever reason, you only knew how to cut ties and be done with our relationship and with me without looking back. Even though that bothered me for years, I let go of that long ago.

You’ve missed out on a lot in the aftermath of our relationship. You missed out on having a good friend who would support you and be there for you if you ever needed me. You missed out on continuing a friendship with someone you had a lot in common with and shared a lot of fun times with and making more memories with, as friends. You missed out on having the important qualities of forgiveness, kindness, and selflessness in a friend who would never hurt you or turn her back on you—despite how you made her feel in the past. I’m sure you don’t care that you missed out on my friendship, but it’s important to me that you know how I feel.

If I had written this letter to you years ago, it would have been very different. I’m glad I have the opportunity now to tell you how I feel, how you made me feel, and to once again, extend the olive branch. As I’ve already made clear, I know you never asked for my forgiveness, but I forgive you for everything you said and did that hurt me, angered me, confused me, frustrated me, and tore me apart. Whoever said that "it is far better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" knew what they were talking about. If ever you decide that my friendship might actually mean something to you or be something you want, it is here for you.

Thank you for letting me go, so that I was able to find the real love of my life. I’m grateful for everything I learned from you and from the relationship we had and especially from all I learned from our break-up. I hope you know that if you ever need anyone or anything, I am still someone you can always count on. That will never change because, even if I never hear from you again, I will always consider you a friend of mine. My relationship with you was not a waste of my time and I’m proud to have experienced all of the wonderful times we had together. I would never turn my back on someone I once loved.

-Your Friend